Some English stuff: 

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

 

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

 

Married life is very frustrating. in the first year of marriage, the Hubby speaks and the wife listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

 

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"

 

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to reportit because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

 

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

 

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

 

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

 

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

 

Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

 

There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.

 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife wanted". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

 

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new 

 

A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us Rs.10,00,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

 

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.  "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going.
In fact since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours.
I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are,
so at least you'll have that going for you.."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.  So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said,
"Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail.
I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake,
"Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management".

 

It was opening night at the down town Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist
do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who
invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was  almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his  coat. "I want you each to keep your, eye on this
antique watch. It's a very  special watch. It's been in my family for  six
generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the  watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became  mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished  surface.  Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until suddenly it  slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking  into a  hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to  clean up the theatre.